I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
