Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
