I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
