my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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