DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
