Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Pooping to opera.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
