My first STD was from a foam party
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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