I wish I could punch you in the face.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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