When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
