Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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