I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
