We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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