my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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