Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
