hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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