who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
