Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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