i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize