i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
