Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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