you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
