Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
