My room smells like vodka and shame
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
