Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
