im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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