I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
