Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
thus making me awesome and them whores
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
