why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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