Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
