I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
