I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize