I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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