life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
