someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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