dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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