He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize