I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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