Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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