New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
