I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
