A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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