My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize