When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
