can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
