All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
