It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
