i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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