Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
