I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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