well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She bit a glass in half.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
