I think my fart just growled at me.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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