when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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