Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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