I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
