You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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