My sheets look like a crime scene.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So many bounce houses so little time
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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