My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
