At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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