Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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