how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
