Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
