I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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