About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
