Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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