Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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